Where's the Exit?- Self-Care Tuesday

In a conversation with a colleague recently I heard them say "Well if I left they would be just screwed! There is no way that they could survive without me."  I let them continue to vent (as they are part of my circle of individuals who I know I can talk to privately about pressures that I am facing at work and life and they in turn can share that information with me), but I brought our conversation back to their previous statement.  Asking a little bit more about it, my colleague proceeded to tell me that they were irreplaceable at their job.  No one else knew how to do anything without their help.  They were the only ones that could fix the problems at the office.  They were needed.  This job was their life.  And while there was a note of pride in this needing to be needed by the organization, there was some underlying resentment in their tone.

I think that alot of us have been in this place at one point or another.  I know that I have.  It is partly wonderful....especially if you work in a social justice/social service field because you get extra praise from the community for the type of work that you are doing.  It is partly awful because you never get a break....from your boss, from your job, and from the person that you are at work.

I told my colleague that I personally would never want to be irreplaceable at my job because that would mean that I could never leave.  It took a couple of moments for the statement to sink in, and a few times of my colleague opening their mouth to speak and then shutting it again.

What can a person do in this situation?  What can anyone of us do?  You may not want to leave your job, but the weight of this heavy responsibility of being irreplaceable is unbearable.  I have two suggestions for you.

1# Create a hit-by-the-bus document about your position and what you do.  Not that I wish you ever to be hit by a bus, taken ill for an extended length of time, or abducted by aliens for that matter.  The hit-by-t
he-bus manual gives you space to not be at the office.  You don't need to spend a huge amount of time doing this.  One day make a list of your general task timelines on a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily basis.  If this takes you more than 20 minutes, you are making too much of an effort.  On another day, if you are doing a task that you do on a regular basis, do a quick write-up about it.  Gradually you will have a file of different task how-tos.  There are multiple benefits to doing this: one, it can help you put into perspective the amount of work that you really do which can help when talking to supervisors about adding/changing part of your job or asking for a raise; two, you can go on vacation and know that you can send the relevant task information to those that will be covering for you when you are gone; three, people will think that you are super efficient; four, it will help you out when you can't remember what you did the last time; and five, it will train your replacement.  At the last agency that I worked for I created this document, so when I got promoted I didn't have to keep telling my replacement what they should be doing, they could consult my hit-by-the-bus manual instead.  My replacement was grateful that I wasn't ordering them around all the time and it allowed me to let go of my old position and fully embrace my new one.

2# Have a Plan B.  I want to be clear, this is not a plan on how to leave your job.  Although in doing this exercise you might find out that that is what you need to do to feel whole again.  This exercise allows you to think of what the alternatives are out there for you to do with your life.  Everything we do in life is an act of free will.  Having a Plan B can help us refocus our intentions.  It could involve a new approach to how we work, a new place to live, a different life, or even a career change.  We often get into places without a plan on how to get out of it.  Many people have experienced that moment in an exercise class where we keep pushing ourselves to get to a place where we think that we should be, rather than what our body is telling us we can be at.  Then you find yourself stuck with no idea of how you can get out of the position without hurting yourself.  The same can happen in your career, you get so caught up in trying to be who you think that you should be....and become stuck, irreplaceable, and not too happy about it.   So write down a list of 5 alternatives to what you could be doing that is different than now.  These items can range from changing something in your current position (ei. getting organized, finish the filing, looking for professional development opportunities, etc.), to fulfilling a life-long dream (ei. finishing the "novel", getting that promotion, starting that business) to even coming up with options of something that you would rather be doing than your current job (ei. race-car driver, going back to school, hot-air balloon operator, etc.).  A blend between the practical and the ridiculous is recommended.  Then share this list with someone. Sharing your dreams with others is very important. 

The next step in this process is to write down a list of steps you would need to take in order to make each one of these things happen. For example, if one of your goals was to go and live in a tent in Siberia for a month (don't judge me!), tasks on this goal could include: research the cost of airfare and expenses, make a budget plan to save up the money for the trip, learn how to negotiate in the local Russian dialect, watch all past seasons of Survivor and MacGyver for survival tips, find out if such a thing as Siberian Tiger repellant spray exists, etc.

Even if you never act on your Plan B list or have a need for your hit-by-the-bus manual, both of these suggestions will allow you a bit of space to breath, to refocus.   The only thing that is truly irreplaceable is the essence of you, your personality, your passion and your focus.  Connect back to that and everything else will become manageable again.

Mantra Smantra- Self-Care Tuesday

In this morning's Yoga for Advocates class we started our practice with a special type of breathing called "Sufi Breath".  It requires that you count out the beats of your inhales and exhales.  So if you are inhaling count "one, two"; followed by your exhale, counting "one, two".  The goal is to get your exhales to be twice as long as your inhales.  For example: inhale "one, two"; and exhale "one, two, three, four".  (Take a minute and try it)
This type of breathing does several things, most notably (like all breathing meditation and chanting methods by-the-way), it calms your parasympathetic nervous system.

Parasympathicawhatit?

Your central nervous system has three parts: the parasympathetic, which regulates your body's rest-and-digest response; the sympathetic, which regulates your fight-or-flight response; and the enteric, a net of neurons that operate independently from the central nervous system governing your gastrointestinal tract (yes, your GI tract is THAT important folks).  If someone is always stressed out, that sympathetic nervous system is on overload...the only way to calm yourself down is to do something that benefits your parasympathetic system.  Hence, why we are talking about Sufi Breath.

Practicing Sufi Breath is a gateway practice to mantra and chanting meditation.  In Sufism, this breathing exercise is part of a larger practice called Dhikr in which the practitioner will recite the name of God as a devotional act. There are similar practices within other Eastern cultures as well.  Removing any religious implications, this breathing practice can be used to focus your intentions on a mantra of your choosing.  For this breathing practice I would recommend using a two syllable word; one syllable for the inhale, one syllable for the exhale.

Here's some possibilities: joyful, worthy, patience, Friday....the list goes on and on.

The technical definition for a mantra is a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.  More commonly, especially in western cultures, the term mantra is also equated with a motto, creed, or whatever you need to tell yourself constantly to find some strength.  So what is your mantra?  What set of words can you use today to give yourself strength, support and encouragement?

Reciting your mantra can be silent or something that you express verbally.  If you feel good sitting in a lotus position and chanting "om mani padme hum",  do it.  If you are incredibly confused at what the last sentence meant, don't worry- traditional chanting as performed in the Hindu and Buddhist traditions is not for everyone.

Find something that works for you.

There is a Sufi saying in which one breath is likened to a note in a song, and breathing all day is equated with singing.  Sometimes....singing along to a song in a car is all the mantra we can handle in a day.  In any case, I hope that you can always spend each day singing, breathing, being.
 

Self-Care Tuesday- Resistance is Futile, Or Is it?

We've all been there.  It's Monday morning, you've managed to get into work on time, your clothing is right-side out, your jaw has just dropped at the sight of unread emails in your inbox....then the phone rings......  and all you can think of is...
No.
I'm not answering the phone.
No.
You can't make me.
No. No. No!

And then you pick up the phone "Good Morning....thank you for calling...."

Sometimes we let the call go to voice mail....sometimes we just hide in the breakroom, bathroom, car, or develop a highly sophisticated camouflage for our desk in the hopes that no one knows that we are there.  Having one or two days like this is fairly common....but if you feel like this every day....that's a sign of having a trauma exposure response at work.  According to Laura van Dernoot Lipsky, "when we refer to trauma exposure response, we are talking about the ways in which the world looks and feels like a different place to you as a result of you doing your work."

This begs the question: How exactly do we deal with those days where all we want to do is hide from our work?

Any scifi lover out there has heard the term "Resistance is Futile"; the catchphrase of the Borg collective on Star Trek the Next Generation.  The Borg is an alien race that assimilates other species to be drones in their collective hive.  And depending on your work environment, that can feel like many people's offices. Instead of focusing on feeling like a worker-drone, let's look at what resistance teaches us.  In yoga, resistance is a point that students come across all the time.  Its where you get into a pose and your body goes "nope, that's fine we don't need to go any further here".   Most people equate resistance with pain, but they aren't the same thing.  Pain is hot, sharp, stabbing, and your body is going to automatically react to it.  Resistance is uncomfortable, but not actively painful.   

Resistance is most often in your mind. 

In a yoga class when you come in contact with resistance, you aren't supposed to back out of it, you aren't supposed to push past it (cause you could hurt yourself), you ARE, however, supposed to just sit with it and breathe.  Once your mind settles out of its panic, your body relaxes and the resistance is gone.  How do we put this into the context of being at work and wanting to hide?  The exact same way you would with your body in a yoga class.  Don't force yourself to go ahead, especially if you interact with people on a daily basis, as your emotions will be projected and that always seems to spiral out into those around you.  Don't back out and hide.  Avoidance doesn't make the problem or your work day go away. 
Sit with it. 
Breathe. 
This is called being in the present moment. 

Sometimes the present moment sucks, sometimes it feels impossible... it is what it is.  Taking stock of what you are dealing with is the first step to letting yourself relax into that resistance.  We have both positive and negative emotions and we have to feel them all...no matter how much we don't want to.  Coming to terms with our resistance allows us to deal and react to it, it will give you space to move forward- in your body, your mind, and most importantly....tackling that awful email inbox.

Finding the "Off" Switch- Self Care Tuesdays

Do you feel like you're "always on" with regards to your work? Even when you are at home?  Depending on the type of work that we do, it can be very easy -and in some cases socially accepted/respected- that we don't ever leave the work mindset.  If you work in a social justice field you are always wearing your "activist" hat- ready to respond with a comment or explanation about how such-in-such is wrong or oppressive or dangerous, etc.  If you are law enforcement, you're constantly scanning your surroundings, taking note of all exits, etc.  In our work lives, these are attributes that place us in high esteem, it makes us good at what we do, and a model to others.  However, over time, this amount of hyper-vigilance is exhausting and detrimental to our health.   And because being hyper-vigilant is what makes us so good at what we do, it is very difficult to define that line between helpful and harmful.

So how do you know?  Are you exhausted all the time?  Are you constantly checking and re-checking your surroundings?  See everyone as a potential perpetrator or criminal?  Do you see every social situation in the context of "what is the worst case scenario" rather than "wow, this party sounds like fun to go to"?  Are you so wholly focused on your job that the rest of your life has no importance?  Does everything feel like a threat? Or that everything has the same level of urgency?  If any of these sounds familiar, then you are experiencing a trauma response of hyper-vigilance.

How do we find the "off" switch?
Hyper-vigilance is difficult to tone down or turn off in our lives as it requires a change in our behavior. Step one is recognizing this level of hyper-vigilance in ourselves.  The second step, is to try to find ways to decrease the level of hyper-vigilance in our lives.  Here are three ideas, however the possibilities of other suggestions are truly endless.

Disconnect yourself from technology:  Now, I'm not advocating that you throw your phone away or cancel your internet connection.  However find places in your schedule where you can give yourself a break from being online.  Leave your phone in your car when going to an exercise class.  Or if you are a person who is on-call often, in those moments where you are not on-call, leave your phone on vibrate for an hour or two in another room.  Set boundaries with yourself about when you check your work email.  If you happen to have your email open all the time (I'm guilty of this) give yourself permission not to check or respond to emails after, say, 7 or 8pm every night.  Or denote an hour as "no-email" hour in your office.  Statistically people look at their emails at 9am in whatever timezone they reside in, so if you declare a "no-email" hour from 11am-noon might work well for you.  Disconnecting yourself for small periods at a time now will make it easier for you to disconnect from work over time.

Don't eat lunch at your desk:  This one may sound crazy to alot of people, but a small change can make a major difference over time.  Most of us eat at our desks because we have so much on our plate that the idea of taking an hour for lunch seems completely impossible.  So....don't take an hour for lunch.  If you only have five minutes to wolf down a meal then you only have five minutes.  But take that five minutes away from your desk.  Sit in the breakroom (if you have one) or at a separate chair or table.  Don't bring anything else with you.  Just focus on eating.  It will feel alien at first, but over time, it will feel like a vacation.  Your digestion will improve as will your mood.

Learn to become "ok" with unscheduled time:  Ever felt like you have to "hurry up and relax"?  The busier our schedules the harder it is to give ourselves free time, and when we do we feel like we have to complete a whole bunch of things before we can "relax".  In that mindset, you've just made "relaxing" another item on your to-do list.  Relaxing is something that you have to ease your way into.  When running a marathon we know that you have to pace yourself or you will never make it to the end....but when we do cross that finish line, who just immediately stops running?  Not many. You keep running for a little longer, then slow to a walk, and then stop.   You need to have winding down time included....and scheduling winding down time isn't going to help you.  Start having unplanned/unscheduled down-time.  Allow yourself to stop working at a specific time and then when that time comes around, only then, should you figure out how you are going to spend the rest of your evening.  It may result in you walking around your home trying to figure out what to do next for a couple of hours (don't laugh, I've done this), but you know what?  It's OK.  It is all part of the process of re-learning how to engage with your life outside work.

Self-Care Tuesday- Grounding Ourselves

As we begin our first Self-Care Tuesday at UCASA, let's talk a little about why self-care is so important.

In all of our jobs, our primary responsibility is to take care of ourselves.  This may seem unrealistic or an over-simplification of being our authentic selves.  However with our demanding schedules and workloads, no matter how rewarding the work can be, if we are not in the right mindset we cannot perform our duties to their fullest.

What can we do about this? The first step to beginning any self care program is to evaluate where you are NOW and what do you need to feel balanced?

Finding Balance

More often than not, we learn more about something by coming to understand its opposite.  Such is the way with something like balance.  Popular culture would have us believe that everyone can obtain this level of inner peace: where we can handle everything, complete our list of things to do everyday, make dinner, clean the house, negotiate world peace, and of course, finally get rid of our ill-fitting office chairs as we have mastered the art of levitation.  But back in reality, this is completely impossible. (However if you have managed to complete the above list you need to share how you did it with me.)

When we think of balance, we should be thinking of a set of scales.  On one side is all of our reactions to things outside of ourselves (job, family, life, etc) and on the other side our own reactions and feelings (how we react to stress, self-esteem, general emotional state, etc.).  True balance is found when we master how to keep our scales level.  And we must remember that if we feel balanced one day, the next day things could be drastically different.  Does this mean that we have failed in being balanced?  No.  It means that you are human.


Checking in with Yourself

Evaluating our level of balance has to be done on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis. What do your scales look like today?   Looking at the entire picture of the day ahead of us can sometimes be overwhelming.  Start evaluating by sorting items into more manageable sections by asking yourself a few questions. Why am I doing what I'm doing?  Is this working for me?  What do I absolutely have to finish today? What can I leave for tomorrow? What can I do for down time? How am I feeling today emotionally and stress-wise?

Checking in with ourselves requires that we also meet ourselves with gentleness.  We need to be able to give ourselves permission to be kind to ourselves, to declare our own boundaries and defend them.  We need to give ourselves the space to be able to say "no", to say "yes" and to be ok with standing by what we have said.  We also need to be able to give ourselves permission to let whatever we accomplish today be enough.

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.
Euripides
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/balance.html#gL9smgtzZftaPIXp.99

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.
Euripides
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/balance.html#gL9smgtzZftaPIXp.9

Grounding Exercise

Sit up straight in a chair.  You'll want to have both feet firmly on the ground, your back straight, and your hands on your upper thighs.  Focus in on your breath.  Inhale through your nose, letting the air fill in through your belly and then up into your chest.  As you exhale, release the air from your chest first and then from your belly.  Breathing this way you will be able to feel your breath expand your chest cavity. Also by focusing on bringing in air from your belly up to your chest and back down again, it will also feel like that expansion is traveling up and down your spine.  Focus on the sound of your breath and the firmness of the ground beneath your feet, of your body against the chair. 

When we are stressed, we inadvertently hold our breath.  Without breathing, our body's natural response is to panic- wanting that next breath.  The more we panic, the more intense our feelings of stress.  Taking anywhere from 1 to 5 minutes to focus just on breathing can do wonders in grounding and checking in with ourselves.  Focused breathing automatically calms our nervous system and allows us to be able to reset, refocus, and take charge of our day.