Self-Care Tuesday- Is This Working for Me?

There are many ways in which we can evaluate our lives, work, relationships, etc...but one of the simplest questions we can ask ourselves is the following "Is this working for me?"

Simple yet very complicated.

Sometimes being honest with ourselves can be painful.  Sometimes that honesty means that we have to recognize that we have put alot of work into our careers, and that our drive that originally brought us to that place is gone.  And sometimes we find ourselves thinking that we have answered that question, and we've really just answered it for someone else.  To illustrate this last point, I'd like to share a Hodja story.  (Hodja stories are a part of Turkish/Central Asian tradition of parables from the Sufi sage Nasreddin Hodja.)

One day Hodja and his son were traveling to a neighboring city.  Hodja felt like walking and allowed his son to ride on their donkey for the journey.  As they were walking people on the road exclaimed "See? Look at the selfishness of today's youth!  That boy is forcing that poor old man to walk! How disrespectful!"

So Hodja decided that maybe it would be better if he rode the donkey and his son walked alongside.  As they continued on their way, more people commented "I can't believe it.  That old man is making that poor little boy walk that whole way!  How rude of him!"

At this Hodja decided that maybe both he and son should ride the donkey, but even then people commented, "Look at those two! Riding on the back of that poor donkey like that! That is animal cruelty!"

Getting frustrated, Hodja then decided that neither of them should ride on the donkey.  That, however, still did not stop people from talking, "Look at those two idiots walking when they have a perfectly fine donkey to ride upon!"

Completely fed up, Hodja then picks up the donkey and puts it up on his shoulders.  "If this doesn't stop people from talking, I don't know what will!"

While this story may seem a bit on the silly side, it also illustrates what we do in response to other people's criticism.  How often do you find yourself changing your ways in response to what someone else has wanted?  And how often have you done that repeatedly and found that you can't seem to please anyone at all?  I'm guessing, more often than what you would like to admit.

So as we are winding the year down and going through that period of self-evaluation that the season seems to require, ask yourself "Is this working for me?" Ask it for yourself, not others, but truly for YOU and YOUR needs.

Learning to be comfortable with boundaries- Self Care Tuesday

Last week on Self-Care Tuesday we challenged you to say "no" to new things in your life for a week.  The question is, did you do it? 

Many times it is easier to respect other people's boundaries than our own.  In fact, I've watched in awe of others around me able to firmly state their boundaries and reaffirm them in the face of someone trying to cross them.  I've applauded others who have worked hard to establish healthy boundaries in the face of a traumatic past.  I teach people how to establish those boundaries for themselves.....but when it comes to me.....I may not be doing that great.  It's not because I've failed.  It isn't because I haven't learned the maxim that saying no to others can equate to saying yes to myself.  The reason simply is....

Learning to be comfortable with the boundaries we have set takes time.

Self-care, developing healthy boundaries, etc is not something that happens overnight.  There is no quick fix.  Being patient with ourselves in this process means allowing ourselves to make mistakes.  Here's some things to keep in mind when thinking about our own boundaries:
Sometimes we only realize that we had a boundary when it's crossed by someone. 
Boundaries can be physical and emotional.
Healthy boundaries need to be firm but flexible...the more rigid or loose our boundaries are, the deeper the impact and hurt felt by those who cross them.
You may feel selfish or guilty when establishing a new boundary- it's rough, but worth it in the long run.
You can't caretake other people's responses to your boundaries.  This is about you and not them.

We also need to remember that there is a difference between "nice" to others and being truthful to someone.  Truth should always win out, especially if that truth is that you need to be kind to yourself.