Self-Care Tuesdays- The Emotional Rollercoaster of Being Present

It is the last few days of the Utah 2014 Legislative Session.  It is a frustrating time.... and an amazingly wonderful time.  In our successes we can list the swift passing of HB157 Rape Kit Processing Amendments.  In our hopeful future successes category we have the HB71 Distribution of Personal Images (the Revenge Porn bill) and HB286 Child Sexual Abuse Prevention bill.  The fact that any of these bills is being discussed is a progressive move, but the conversations and rape myths voiced during them can be very stressful and frustrating from an advocate standpoint. 

The training that UCASA staff routinely does is stressful in this same way.  We are constantly having conversations about privilege, rape myths, victims' rights....and we take alot of heat.  Trainings feel like emotional rollercoasters on most days.  And like advocates whose job it is to support and offer resources, it means that we are the recipients of alot of anger and venting....something that we can't give back to the person yelling at us.  It is the price of the work that we do, and a price of being present in the situation.  So, how do you move that negative energy through?  Here's some ideas:

1. Breaks.....breaks....and more breaks:  Step away from the situation for a moment.  Take a quick walk, stretch, move your body in some way.  It will allow you to recenter and refocus.  A two-to-five minute break from your desk, office, or training room can make a huge difference.

2. Shift the focus: Even though it feels like everything is being directed at you.  It isn't.  Not really in the way that you are taking it.  Legitimately, this is a situation where it isn't about you.  You're watching someone be challenged.  Appreciate the learning moment that you are now a part of.

3. Remember that this is a process:  We can't switch on and off.  Sometimes it is harder to shake the emotions off from a situation than it would be on other days.  Some days nothing bothers us.  Sometimes we feel completely disconnected....or connected too much.  Give yourself some room to let it go.

What types of things do you regularly do to move energy through?

Self-Care Tuesdays- Finding the Beauty in Everything

Yesterday, UCASA was given tickets to see a screening of the Sundance documentary Private Violence.  For many of us in the audience we were inspired to see a film that authentically showed the struggles, defeats, and successes that advocates face everyday.  But also....for many of us in the audience, we were emotionally triggered by the realism and the content of the film.  After watching this film, I (this is the Debbie, the Outreach Coordinator writing by the way) tried to go through the rest of my holiday off as if everything was normal.  In hindsight, it wasn't.  Later in the evening, I went to the opera with my best friend.  Rather than allowing myself to enjoy the opera, I spent the two intermissions complaining about the manipulative, controlling and otherwise abusive behaviors of the main character's love interest.  While I'm sure that there is a place to dissect Verdi's opera La Travitia through a feminist lens, the time was NOT during those intermissions.  Instead of allowing myself a nice night out, I had turned the opera into a domestic violence case examination.  Luckily, my companion for the evening is incredibly understanding and is an invaluable part of my support system.  More importantly, she is still speaking to me after my ruining the evening.

Why am I relating this story? One, I am human. Two, like everyone else, I struggle with the unintended consequences of the work that we do.  I was unable to let go.  I was allowing my pessimism to rule me.  And worst of all, I had neglected my own self-care.

Rather than focusing on the "what-I-should-have-done's rolling around in my head, I want to give you all some insight on what I am doing now, today, at this very moment...  First of all, I'm recognizing that I can't go back and save yesterday.  I am recognizing where I had been triggered and didn't allow myself adequate time to process and work through the events of yesterday morning.  I am also recognizing how not doing that affected the rest of my day. 
I am owning all of that.

The result?

I feel like I can breathe.
I feel like I can find the beauty in everything again.
Rather than seeing just the pain of a survivor (Or of Verdi's Violetta), today I can see their strength, their resiliency, their ability to thrive.  I see hope.  It is almost blinding in its brilliance.

I may still feel a little raw and weepy, but I know why I feel that way.  We can't flip a switch and be instantly better- self care is a process.  What skills have you developed to help yourself in this process?  How do you allow yourself to see the beauty in the world again?

Self-Care Tuesday- Is This Working for Me?

There are many ways in which we can evaluate our lives, work, relationships, etc...but one of the simplest questions we can ask ourselves is the following "Is this working for me?"

Simple yet very complicated.

Sometimes being honest with ourselves can be painful.  Sometimes that honesty means that we have to recognize that we have put alot of work into our careers, and that our drive that originally brought us to that place is gone.  And sometimes we find ourselves thinking that we have answered that question, and we've really just answered it for someone else.  To illustrate this last point, I'd like to share a Hodja story.  (Hodja stories are a part of Turkish/Central Asian tradition of parables from the Sufi sage Nasreddin Hodja.)

One day Hodja and his son were traveling to a neighboring city.  Hodja felt like walking and allowed his son to ride on their donkey for the journey.  As they were walking people on the road exclaimed "See? Look at the selfishness of today's youth!  That boy is forcing that poor old man to walk! How disrespectful!"

So Hodja decided that maybe it would be better if he rode the donkey and his son walked alongside.  As they continued on their way, more people commented "I can't believe it.  That old man is making that poor little boy walk that whole way!  How rude of him!"

At this Hodja decided that maybe both he and son should ride the donkey, but even then people commented, "Look at those two! Riding on the back of that poor donkey like that! That is animal cruelty!"

Getting frustrated, Hodja then decided that neither of them should ride on the donkey.  That, however, still did not stop people from talking, "Look at those two idiots walking when they have a perfectly fine donkey to ride upon!"

Completely fed up, Hodja then picks up the donkey and puts it up on his shoulders.  "If this doesn't stop people from talking, I don't know what will!"

While this story may seem a bit on the silly side, it also illustrates what we do in response to other people's criticism.  How often do you find yourself changing your ways in response to what someone else has wanted?  And how often have you done that repeatedly and found that you can't seem to please anyone at all?  I'm guessing, more often than what you would like to admit.

So as we are winding the year down and going through that period of self-evaluation that the season seems to require, ask yourself "Is this working for me?" Ask it for yourself, not others, but truly for YOU and YOUR needs.

Learning to be comfortable with boundaries- Self Care Tuesday

Last week on Self-Care Tuesday we challenged you to say "no" to new things in your life for a week.  The question is, did you do it? 

Many times it is easier to respect other people's boundaries than our own.  In fact, I've watched in awe of others around me able to firmly state their boundaries and reaffirm them in the face of someone trying to cross them.  I've applauded others who have worked hard to establish healthy boundaries in the face of a traumatic past.  I teach people how to establish those boundaries for themselves.....but when it comes to me.....I may not be doing that great.  It's not because I've failed.  It isn't because I haven't learned the maxim that saying no to others can equate to saying yes to myself.  The reason simply is....

Learning to be comfortable with the boundaries we have set takes time.

Self-care, developing healthy boundaries, etc is not something that happens overnight.  There is no quick fix.  Being patient with ourselves in this process means allowing ourselves to make mistakes.  Here's some things to keep in mind when thinking about our own boundaries:
Sometimes we only realize that we had a boundary when it's crossed by someone. 
Boundaries can be physical and emotional.
Healthy boundaries need to be firm but flexible...the more rigid or loose our boundaries are, the deeper the impact and hurt felt by those who cross them.
You may feel selfish or guilty when establishing a new boundary- it's rough, but worth it in the long run.
You can't caretake other people's responses to your boundaries.  This is about you and not them.

We also need to remember that there is a difference between "nice" to others and being truthful to someone.  Truth should always win out, especially if that truth is that you need to be kind to yourself.

Taking Stock- Self-Care Tuesday

If you live in the US, Thanksgiving is this week.  It can be a wonderful holiday, filled with family and food....it can also be horrific (let's be honest).  If you work as an advocate, this holiday can mark an upswing in crisis calls.  When you're already stressed out at work and in life, it can be incredibly difficult to be able to find what you are thankful for.  So rather than ask you to create a list of all of those items that you are happy about, I am going to ask you to do something a little different.  Let's just check in with how YOU are feeling today.

It would be preferable if you can do this laying down in a darkened room.  If you don't think that you will be able to do this exercise without falling asleep, that is a sign that you have a sleep deficient.  An alternative would be to do this sitting up in a chair.  Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and bring your attention to how you are breathing today. Once you feel lulled into a quiet thinking space by focusing on your breathing, start to notice what is happening in your body right now.  Starting from the top of your head, notice how your jaw, neck and shoulders are feeling.  Are you clenching your teeth?  Do you notice that one shoulder is higher/tighter than the other? Do both of your shoulders feel like they are trying to take up the space just below your ears?  Let you attention focus downwards.  How does your back feel, your torso?  Do your hips feel tight, the back of your legs, how about your feet?  Remember to keep breathing through this exercise.  If you mind starts to wander, that's okay, just try to refocus on acknowledging how your body feels at this moment.  You'll find that the deeper you breathe while doing this 'noticing' exercise, parts of your body will release a little bit of the tension.

It is all well and good to tell people to relax and practice self-care- the reality of following that recommendation can be very different. In our fast paced world most people automatically start to add a list of things that they should be doing in addition to wha

t they are managing on a day to day basis.  So if your schedule is already packed, trying to add in 3 hours a week of exercise or eating healthier seems impossible....especially if that means you would have to sleep less in order to get everything done.  Self-care has to be workable for YOU.  So if all you can do is give yourself a few moments to check in with your body, only to notice where you are holding tension, that's enough.  Noticing where we hold tension in our body is the first step to being able to figure out what we need to do in order to relax.  Sometimes releasing the tension in your shoulder isn't done by an hour on the treadmill, but by simply saying "no" to a meeting at work that really isn't important for you attend.

How often do you say "no" to requests in your life?  It can be hard to say no to begin with in high stress situations, let alone in the average day in the office.  For this next week, try to say "no" more often in the workplace.  Wait to take on new projects.  Don't add anything new to your plate.  See if that helps a little with your regular stress level.

Find places where you can delegate tasks in your work and personal life.  This can be a bit frustrating at first.  If you've ever tried to teach a 4-year-old how to make a sandwich, you've realized that it would be alot faster to just do it yourself.  But a 4-year-old that can make a sandwich will become a helpful 10-year-old eventually.   A little investment in the beginning can make a huge difference down the road.  Are there things that you are willing to let go of and let others do their own way?

Self-Care Tuesday- The Dangers of Minimizing

If you are an advocate you are more than likely already familiar with power & control wheels.  The power & control wheel (aka the Duluth Model) was the brainchild of the Domestic Abuse

Intervention Project (DAIP) in the 1980's, when they were trying to develop a simple yet effective way to illustrate the dynamics of abusive relationships. It's an excellent tool and a simple websearch will show you the many adaptations of the wheel (the wheel attached to this post is one adapted by the National Center for Deaf Advocacy- NCDA).  One of the spokes on this wheel is Minimizing, Denying and Blaming...which is something that both victim and perpetrator do.  The perpetrator doesn't take responsibility for their actions blaming the victim for the harm they are doing, denying that there is anything wrong in how they are reacting, and downplaying the severity of the abuse.  Likewise, victims will minimize the impact the abuse has on them, accept the blame for their perpetrator's anger, and actively tell others that there is nothing to worry about.  Working through and understanding this particular aspect of abusive relationships can be very difficult, primarily because it requires one to have a perspective of what is normal and acceptable outside of their relationship. 

The human brain likes to rank things into categories: good is better than bad, a hangnail is less painful than a papercut, strawberry jams tastes better than toe jam, and so on.  But sometimes, and especially in cases where we hear of trauma everyday, we start to rank the severity of trauma into categories of what is worthy of attention and what we feel that people should just "deal with".   We see this alot in rape culture, a victim who was coerced by threats of blackmail would be seen as weaker in character and body than a victim who fought off their stranger attacker.  The reality is that both are equally bad, and neither should be compared.  This is where we get into the dangers of minimization.  We know its bad for a victim to do, but as advocates...it is an easy trap to fall into ourselves.

How do you know if you are minimizing the trauma you hear in the workplace or in your life?  Have you ever said to yourself or someone else "You think that's bad? There wasn't even a weapon involved."  Or "well, at least no one died".  Anytime a person makes a statement of "it could have been worse" they are minimizing what happened.  There are multiple reasons for doing this but primarily it is a self-protective measure.  Everything we hear sticks to us and if we don't have healthy ways of letting all of that negativity and trauma wear off of us, we try to limit the amount that we feel.   Laura van Dernoot Lipsky writes "It only takes one extreme situation to get us started on minimizing everything else.  Minimizing is not setting priorities in our work, it is the experience of losing our compassion and ability to empathize because we are comparing others' suffering or putting it into a hierarchy.  We may also begin to minimize when we feel saturated to the point that we can't possibly let any more information in.  Instead of being able to experience the given situation for what it is, we minimize what we are hearing or seeing.  We do so in a desperate attempt to avoid hitting our breaking point.  We are literally at capacity."

The sad thing is, being GOOD at our work is what can bring us TO this point, and being AT this point, makes us BAD at our work.

How do you come back from this point?  As with anything, the first step is always recognition and awareness that a problem exists.  The second step is to seek out ways to address the problem.  This is one of the reasons why we started this Self-Care Tuesday feature and our Yoga for Advocates class, to help others seek out ways for them to address their self-care needs.  We don't intend to be an all-inclusive list of offerings and ideas, just a starting point.

What ideas to you have to help you reconnect with yourself, your life, and your passion for this work?

Self-Care Tuesday- Vulnerability

When you read the word "vulnerable" what is your reaction? Do you picture a person that is vulnerable? A client perhaps?  Or a person with disability, a child or someone who is elderly?  Most people picture someone that they feel is worthy of protection, but what if that word is turned towards yourself?

"You are vulnerable."

How does that change your reaction?   It most likely does.  Aversion? Avoidance? Denial? Fear? Being vulnerable is scary.  If you work with survivors, being vulnerable is something that you apply to others, rarely yourself.  Vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness, of an inability to do our work correctly, not serving others. Or is it?  Laura van Dernoot Lipsky in her book Trauma Stewardship wrote the following about fear:

"One of the reasons it is hard for us to connect with our fear is that it makes us feel so vulnerable.  It may make us uncomfortable to recognize that we have to much in common with our clients, who are also often fearful.  If we are working to stop pandemics or racing against the clock to save the environment, we may worry that if we open the door to fear, it will completely overwhelm us, leaving us so swamped with terror that we can no longer act at all.  In short, many of us opt to disconnect from our feelings of fear because it hits a nerve of our own fragility in life.  Such denial may feel like the only viable path, but it is worth holding up to question. [...] When we acknowledge our own fear, we have an opportunity to deepen our compassion, not only for ourselves, but also for every being that has ever been afraid."

Researcher/Storyteller Brene Brown says that "vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences".


There is a pose that I teach often in our Yoga for Advocates class called the Sphinx.  It is fairly simple, you lie on your belly and hold yourself up on your forearms.  It looks exactly likes its namesake.  Traditionally, sphinxes are placed in front of temples symbolically as guardians of that which is sacred.  The pose is a mild backbend and your heart is exposed.  I find it very poetic that in order to protect others you must have the most vulnerable parts of yourself open to attack.


This week, I challenge you to evaluate what makes you feel vulnerable. When do you feel vulnerable? How to do you emotionally react to that realization? And do you think that there is a place in your life where honoring your vulnerability can improve how you work and who you are?